Been a while, which is good sign (I think?) since I really only blog here where I’m feeling out of sorts…which is why we don’t *tell* people about this blog, eh? :P
Anywho, wanting a clean slate today. Starting a new project, a challenge of sorts; I’ve tried and failed at P90x now I think five times over the last three years…in that time I’ve got as far as two full months in before something “came up” or “happened”…several of which were completely legitimate. Ie- it’s very hard to work out every day when you’re filming 14 hours days or travelling…but at the end of the day, it’s all bullshit. I’m tired of trying a failing.
I’m also deciding to rally against feeling “overwhelmed,” which is the mental state of choice for the past year-plus. And probably deservedly so…but something’s got to give. I’m not going to get what I want sitting around trying to relax myself and waiting to put on my plate what I really want to be on there. I’ve got push ahead, grab what I want, hold myself accountable to being more, and then crash when I can…set myself up to take those breathers by tackling what needs to be tackled.
Or maybe this is an exercise in seeing how far I can push myself before it actually falls apart…I’m not sure. Obviously, my nature would steer me away from that happening, but this suffocation I’m feeling fucking sucks. “Floating Anxiety” I believe they call it. My friend Joe said once in passing that “you’re good as long as you don’t have that.” Well, that stuck in my mind because it pretty much perfectly describes what I’m feeling. It never stops, there’s always a floating “you’re fucked” out there.
And I’ve *tried* simplifying as much as I possibly could. In fact, that’s why I stopped P90x the last time. I wanted to focus. But my life is not simple, and trying to make it so hasn’t worked. And maybe I’m totally going down the wrong path here, and there’s something in this “keep it simple” tack that I didn’t fully commit to or realize, but what was stressing me out constantly was everything that I had cut out.
Like working out.
Like getting out there for golf and tennis - things that get me moving.
I do know for sure, that I don’t want a new distraction…like the two hours today I spent setting up the blog you see right below this post. That may be a mistake…but then again, I feel a *constant* need to create, and maybe doing these videos will help that, even if I have tucked them away from even my family and friends. They’re not impossible to find, they just feel very self-serving right now and whiny to be honest…and maybe *I* need to work through that right now, but that doesn’t mean anyone else does.
Confession: I just ruined a pot on the stove because I was in my office, on my computer twiddling with youtube, forgetting about the water that I was boiling in the kitchen. That’s honestly what made me sit down right now and write this thing. That’s how out of it I’m feeling today, a pattern that’s wracked me each of the past four or five months after making a big push to get my editing done just in time…or actually never in enough time because I consistently don’t get paid for three or four of the last videos I finish…
Maybe I need to make a list of this shit that I’m fucking up right now:
1. not finishing p90x
2. not getting up on time pretty much every day
3. not eating enough…I’m starving right now, actually
4. finishing editing each month in the last week, which means I don’t get paid for everything I finish
5. only writing when I meet with Josh
6. getting sucked into baseball as a distraction, rather than a reward
7. no sex
8. feeling shitty about auditions, either just stressed about them, or feeling like I’m not doing good work
9. where’s the confidence or the inspiration…I want to do nothing…as this list shows
Anyway, enough today. I don’t feel better yet, but I am going to get my ass up and eat some damn food. Then get my editing done. And hopefully talking to my iPhone and posting that here will help me work through whatever nonsense this is.
I leave you with Imagine Dragons…”tiptoe” isn’t necessarily my favorite, but it is the second track off their album, and “radioactive” just seems overdone :P